This post is long overdue as it's been about four months since I stopped breasfeeding. And in my mind, it seems like eons ago. I hold Ethan now and the whole idea seems so foreign to me. It's crazy to think that not long ago, we still enjoyed that bond together.
But I wanted to make sure to document our experience and hopefully reference it for the next time. Breastfeeding was definitely one of the hardest, yet most rewarding experiences to date. I truly feel like nothing can prepare you for it since it's different for everyone, but this was my experience.
I always knew I wanted to breastfeed...but I had no expectations about how long I would and what it would entail. I just knew it was the best thing for him, so if it worked, why not?
I was actually lucky in the beginning...Ethan latched on pretty easily and I never had any bleeding or cracking. The actual breastfeeding was easy...the rest of it was the hard part! The dedication it takes to nurse full time is what I wasn't expecting. Post-partum is a crazy time and I was trying to define my new role as a mother while also holding on to the person I was before. With breastfeeding, I felt I had lost a lot of my independence and it was proving to be a hard adjustment. I couldn't go anywhere for very long without worrying about Ethan getting hungry and needing to nurse. Everything became harder...dressing to nurse, traveling, going out to dinner, have a glass of wine, you get the picture! I was also always worried about building a supply. Bottom line, I was mentally stressed to the max.
And just when I thought I got the hang of a routine and managing my stress...I went back to work.
I went back to work when Ethan was about 3 months old and at Ethan's 4 month appointment, we discovered he had only put on a few ounces in the past month. I was devastated to learn that he wasn't gaining enough weight and felt directly responsible. Since I was nursing full time before going back to work, I had no idea how much he was taking in during each feeding. So I guessed on how much to make each bottle...and I obviously guessed wrong. I was pretty determined to keep him on 100% breast milk so I upped his bottles to 7-8 ounces when I was at work and then nursed him full time when we were together. I starting pumping 3 times a day too. At his 5 month appointment, he had put on a pound and 6 ounces, which was a huge victory! I was so relieved to know that it was a volume issue and not something that was deficient in my milk.
And while I was glad that I was able to get him to 5 months exclusively on breast milk alone, my freezer stash was quickly dwindling and I was beyond stressed out between work and keeping my supply up. So we decided to start supplementing with formula around this time.
I know supplementing isn't for everyone, but it gave me a huge sense of relief to know that he was still getting the benefits of breast milk and the volume with the formula. It was a win-win for me and for baby. I continued pumping twice a day at work and started to transition more and more to exclusive formula around 8 and 9 months. I nursed Ethan in the morning and at night during that time...which was also about the time his teeth came in and he started biting while nursing ..and then laughing! It was definitely a game, and I was the sore loser! ;) At 10 months, I decided we were done...and I think Ethan had decided that about a month prior. So weaning was no problem. And it was actually a relief for me to know that he was going to do just fine on 100% formula.
And I'm not going to lie...it felt really good to have my body back.
Some things I've learned through this experience: everyone is different and everyone has an opinion on the subject of breastfeeding. I was way too concerned about what everyone else thought was best for my baby and not listening to my own instinct. I have also learned that I have a terrible let-down, so I would usually have to pump for at least 20 minutes each time to get any amount of milk...which of course, was stressful. I've also seen how stress directly impacts me physically. When I'm stressed, I don't produce enough milk. And when I don't produce enough milk, I'm stressed! I've never seen a more direct sign of stress then pumping for 20-30 minutes and not getting even a half ounce of milk.
When I was able to let go of the stress, there was definitely a sweet side of breastfeeding...it really is miraculous. Knowing that I was able to give him 100% of his nutrition in the first 5 months was really amazing. I loved the closeness between us and can still remember when he was just one day old and so so tiny, how natural the whole thing was. As difficult as the process was for me mentally, I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, there are times that I miss it...especially at night before he goes to bed. Luckily, the snuggles are still there. :)
Some good advice to pass along:
Use lanolin. It was my quite literally my
breast friend during the breastfeeding process.
We used
Earth's Best Organic Formula and while it was more expensive, we loved that it was organic and the main ingredient wasn't fructose. Seriously...check out those labels...fructose is the first main ingredient in most formulas.
Last...relax. If you can breastfeed, great. If you can't, don't stress about it. Or, if you can't produce enough it's not the end of the world. Plenty of baby's are formula fed {I was one of them!} and they are just fine! I will definitely follow this advice next time...and learn to relax.
{all photos via
artyard photo}
Thanks for letting me open up today...and congrats if you made it all the way through this ridiculously long post! Sharing something so intimate is definitely not easy, but I really appreciate all the mamas who have shared their stories and encouragement, so I hope this helps!
xo natasha
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